Emily Kaye Lazzaro

Amusing anecdotes almost entirely about myself.

35 Weeks

photo (98)This is what an 8 months pregnant woman looks like.

How are you guys doing, for a change? Are you good? You seem good. You’re excited that it’s starting to feel like fall. It’s getting to be hoodie weather, which is great. Some of you have been picking apples, that seems really fun! Some of you got married recently! Congratulations for that, that also seems like it was fun.

Things here are fine. Billy did a 200 mile relay race this weekend (he ran 16 miles over 24 hours or something, he’s in great shape, good for him) so he asked my mom to come up and take care of me for a couple days, which was odd if only in that I am used to hosting people like my mom to come stay with me by, for example, making the bed for her and cooking meals and offering her things like glasses of water. This time she made the bed for me, cooked me a bunch of meals, and walked my dog a lot of times. It’s weird letting people take care of me sometimes. But it’s become necessary. I’m trying to embrace it.

Something that has been happening this week is this sort of bizarre, torturous loop of misery where I eat something or drink a sip of water and then lie down on my side on the couch to rest my hips/back. The lying down causes heartburn/indigestion, so I sit up. Sitting up hurts my hips/back. And on and on forever. It got so bad last night when I went to bed that the heartburn turned into acid reflux, which, if you’ve never had acid reflux, that’s when you barf without barfing, basically. It’s like having gas but not being able to fart, except with barf. If that makes sense. It’s horrible! So I ended up going to the bathroom for the 17th time, banging my head lightly against the door for a minute to organize my thoughts and make a plan of action, googled it on my phone, and then went back to bed and propped myself up in order to limit the stomach acid coming into my esophagus, but I can’t lie on my back, so propping myself up means propping up my side and putting a good deal of pressure on my hips. Whatever, I fell asleep and it was fine. Not great but I’m not dead. I kept saying to Billy “indigestion can’t kill me, right? I won’t die from this?” Just to confirm.

I think the acid reflux was caused by a questionable choice of dinner. Sunday marked the start of Favorite Foods Week (TM). We got pizza from A4 in Somerville, an amazing pizza place that I love deeply. I had the homemade fennel sausage and homepickled banana peppers pizza which, SHOCK OF THE CENTURY, caused a bit of indigestion. Also I ate the whole 12 inch pizza, along with a kale salad and like 7 Halloween Oreos (the best of the novelty Oreos). My stomach can’t actually fit that much food in it anymore, turns out. Like it’s already after 11am and today I’ve had one small muffin and a peach so far and I’m good to go. This was not the case in the rest of this pregnancy, when I was an insatiable food monster, but the baby has taken up all the spare room in my torso at this point, so I can’t eat like I’ve become accustomed. No room for food. If I force it, it gets pushed back up in the form of very unsatisfying barf-mouth.

Pregnancy is a beautiful miracle.

No, it kind of is, though.


34 Weeks

photo (93)


Hey you guys. I am pregnant. Did you know that? I have been pregnant for what feels like my entire life and I’m ready for it to be over.

This week was freezer meals week and that was a big fucking mistake. I have this habit of feeling like if I establish something, or even just say to myself, “oh I’m going to do whatever thing” then I have to do it or I’m a failure or a liar. This happened to me if I decided some distance I was going to run, back when I still did that. If I say, to myself, in my own head, “I’m going to run 7 miles today” and then I fall in the first mile and rip my pants and am bleeding from the elbow, I will still do the 7 miles because I’m insane and I made some weird OCD contract with myself. That was what happened with freezer meals week.

It was really hot. It was not a good week to stand over a hot stove cooking 5 meals to freeze. But I did it. Because there is something wrong with me.

I made chili, chicken/rice/vegetable casserole, minestrone soup, beef stew, and sausage bean soup. I didn’t follow all those recipes to the letter. Like the chili recipe calls for turkey but my grocery store only had beef so it became beef chili. I didn’t put the pasta in the minestrone, I’m going to add it when I reheat it so the pasta doesn’t get all mushy. I used rutabaga instead of purple top turnips in the beef stew, and I couldn’t find a ham bone so I used sweet Italian pork sausage in the bean soup. Whatever, though, cooking is great because you can kind of do whatever you want.

But cooking is horrible when it’s 90 degrees out with 100% humidity and sweat is dripping from your butt to your heels (This is a horrible thing that happens to humans, why have we not evolved out of butt/leg sweat? Let’s get on that, Science.). On Saturday I made the last two meals I had planned and I had two emotional breakdowns in which I told Billy that I am starting to resent the baby and I yelled at my mom on the phone for asking how the baby is, because THE BABY IS FINE, HE IS IN THE BEST PLACE EVER, MY DELIGHTFUL WOMB, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MY SCIATICA IS DOING? BECAUSE IT’S TERRIBLE.

I feel like if this were a more widely-read blog I would get a lot of mean comments for admitting that I resent the baby who lives inside me, but the only people who read this blog are my aunts, Billy’s coworkers, and my friends from high school so I think I’m all set. Fuck this baby.

Not really, we saw him on an ultrasound today and he’s the best. I’m just grumpy.

Fuck sciatica, is more accurate.

Anyway, here are some pictures of my freezer meals nightmare.

photo (94)I thought these beans looked so pretty. It’s a 16-bean mix that became the sausage bean soup. So many kinds of beans!

photo (95)This became the chicken/rice/vegetable casserole. I think that one is going to be especially delicious because it’s full of wholesome things like brown rice and broccoli, in addition to a shit ton of sour cream and cheese. It was really hard to make because my fingers don’t work because of carpal tunnel syndrome and grating cheese with fucked up fingers is difficult and dangerous. Oh also, at some point I cut off one of my fingernails while I was chopping vegetables. If you get the bite with fingernail in it, you win a prize.

photo (97)I’m sure I’ll appreciate having all this stuff in a few weeks, but it was a goddamn hassle making it happen.

One thing that is not a goddamn hassle is this kitten that lives in my house now. Whoops!

photo (96)Yeah so we have a kitten now. Her name is Petunia and we love her even though she is very playful and we are used to a dog that sleeps all day long. I didn’t mention this earlier because I’m afraid of people being judgmental, but I already said fuck my baby in this post so that ship has pretty much sailed.

In other news, my doctor told me today that since I have high blood pressure (which is very well controlled with medication right now, but even so) they won’t let me go past 39 weeks. So baby and I effectively have a new due date of October 13th. Hooray! Pregnancy complications for the win! GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME.

I used to be afraid of having an induction but I am not afraid of that anymore. I am afraid of having a baby inside me for any longer than absolutely fucking necessary. According to an ultrasound measurement today, the baby already weighs as much as two and a half Petunias. Let’s not let this thing get out of control.




33 Weeks (Plus 1 Day)

photo (91)


That is a smile of lies.

I’ve been trying to stay pretty positive here but it’s getting tough.

It’s very hot.

I had a doctor’s appointment last week and said “so I have a lot of intense sciatic nerve pain and my right hand is numb always” and she was like “yeah.” That’s pretty much all she said. Because there is nothing to be done. The cure for all my ills is getting this baby out of me.

I thought the first trimester was bad but this is another animal entirely.

In other news, I took in a stray kitten and got bangs this week. Wonder what that’s about! I’m sure it’s hormonal, but both choices seem to be working out well so far. Except that I got bangs right before the hottest week of the summer, in September, which is a cruel irony.

I’m distracted because I am very hungry right now.

I don’t know, guys. Things are rough at the moment.

Okay I ate some cheese and a banana muffin and I think I can make it the next 7 weeks.

This is sort of how my days go lately. I am completely miserable, afraid that I will be pregnant forever, and think 7 weeks is an eternity. Then I have a snack and surround myself with some pillows and animals and decide, reluctantly, that I can and will go on. Other things that help this scenario is the presence of Billy and air conditioning. Last night, Billy and I laid in bed with both animals, AC blasting, watching Drunk History on Hulu on my computer. Technically the only cure for all my problems right now is having a baby, but animals, AC, Billy, and computer TV is like Percoset. Doesn’t cure the root issue, but makes me care about it less.

Swimming Week

It was swimming week this week you guys. What an awesome week!

Incidentally, and probably for the best, this week has been very hot. Wednesday, in particular, was a shit show. I didn’t even swim on Wednesday. Just had a heat-induced crying breakdown.

On Sunday I went to the beach with Billy and our friend Jason. It was delightful! We read magazines and talked about how hot Justin Theroux is and watched babies walking around in their little baby beach outfits. Oh man, so good. And we swam in the ocean!



On Tuesday I went to Walden Pond with my friend Liz and her baby Henry! It was equally delightful but it was a lot hotter. We discussed babies mostly and tried not to get too scared of parasites that are found in ponds. Henry got his feet dipped in the water and smiled many times.



On Thursday I went to a public pool in Somerville by myself. It was kind of stressful at first. I also have never been to this pool before so I had to Google it and the first thing that came up was an incident in July when somebody had diarrhea in the pool and they had to close it for the day. So that bodes well!

I’m not great at going new places by myself where I will wear a very small amount of clothing because I am a human being. I got there before it opened and went in right when they lifted the gate, in the hopes that it wouldn’t be too crowded. I texted Billy while I was waiting, “Too bad life guards are always teenagers. I find the presence of teenagers unsettling.” What is it about teenagers? I always think they’re making fun of me.

But then I got in the water and swam a few laps and it was great. Totally worth it. And nobody had diarrhea.


32 Weeks

photo (90)



32 weeks guys.

I think I have sciatica and carpal tunnel syndrome. My right hand has been numb for about 10 days and sometimes I can’t walk. Blow drying my hair is really hard. Typing this is really hard. Going for my morning 2 mile walk is REALLY hard. Whatever, life is hard.

Somehow, some way, I had a crazy busy week last week. I was out of the house every night for play workshops and theatre company meetings. I did a lot of writing and socializing and washing/folding/organizing of tiny clothing items and now I’m tired.

Busy weeks keep things moving, though, which is great. I don’t want to get too wrapped up in wanting this to be over, and being bored makes me count down the days. I know I’ve been wanting this to be over since about 18 weeks, but at this point I want him to stay in there developing his tiny lungs until the last possible minute. Or until like 38 weeks. 38 weeks is a great time to come out, little guy, if you’re ready! He’s measuring big and he’s in the perfect position for birth so hopefully everything will go perfectly and there will be no complications. lol. You know what they say about best laid plans, right? Everything always works out perfectly!

But seriously, I’m not even doing a birth plan. My birth plan is get baby out of me and make sure he can breathe.

Billy and I went to an all-day birth/infant care/breastfeeding class at the hospital on Saturday and we both cried every time the instructor showed a video of a birth. It was a little embarrassing. Tonight we’re doing the maternity ward tour at the hospital and then we will be ready for the baby to come. Oh except for getting diapers and finishing the nursery and getting our insurance to send us a breast pump and packing a bag. And probably some other stuff. And getting those lungs developed, most importantly. Lungs! We take those things for granted but they’re pretty clutch.

In other news, my script for a TV pilot (my first attempt at writing a TV show) was a semifinalist in a screenwriting contest. Hooray! If anybody wants to hire me to write their TV show, I am available starting… sometime. Ha. Let me amend that. If anybody wants to hire a very pregnant writer for their TV show, hit me up. I hope you are flexible because sometimes I have sciatic pain and can’t leave the house!

Baking Week

photo (88)Baking week you guys!

I was going to get super serious about making some elaborate cupcakes, but instead I chose not to go to the store and buy ingredients so I hacked a couple recipes I found online using only the ingredients I already had. Fun and budget friendly!

I made almond cupcakes with almond glaze and a decorative almond on top and dark chocolate brownies that I accidentally overcooked but whatever they are made of chocolate.

Here is the brownie recipe. I had to cut the recipe in half because I only had 4 ounces of baking chocolate (which is more bitter than the recipe suggests), and I also used dark cocoa because that’s what I had. And since it was less batter I probably should have baked it for less time than I did because they came out a little overdone but, again, whatever. They taste pretty good!

And this is the cupcake recipe, which I fucked with a lot. I didn’t have enough lemon to make the cake part lemony enough, so instead I put in almond extract, which I have and barely ever use. I also used almond milk because that’s what I had. And I didn’t have enough butter to make frosting (or cream cheese or lemons or blueberries) so I just whipped up an almond-y glaze, which was just confectioner’s sugar and a tablespoon and a half or so of water and a quarter teaspoon of almond extract. And I toasted some almonds in a pan and stuck one on top because I felt it needed something to tie it all together. These taste great, actually. Probably because no math was involved. Halving recipes is hard.

photo (89)

Baking week was a success. It should also probably be known henceforth as Billy Has Cupcakes And Brownies For Breakfast Week.

Next week is swimming week. We start on Sunday with a ride up the coast and a dip in the ocean.

31 Weeks

photo (87)

Rather than obsessively counting down the weeks and days I have until my due date, and rather than being sad about the fact that I now have to wear Billy’s sneakers when I go for my morning walk, I resolved to make a plan for the last 9 weeks of my pregnancy. Every week I’m going to have a new, fun activity to do. It will either be preparatory for when the baby comes, or just a fun thing that is not too strenuous.

1. Make The Best Cupcakes Ever. This will probably be a blueberry/lemon cupcake I made this spring, but I think I will be VERY SERIOUS about sourcing the finest of ingredients. Also this might morph into something that’s more like Make The Best Peach Cobbler Ever as peaches are in season and I love peach cobbler. I’m giving myself a fair amount of wiggle room in all of these plans as the purpose is really for me to enjoy the last weeks of my pregnancy while also distracting myself from the back pain and self-diagnosed carpal tunnel syndrome and general horrible swelling. So lay off me if I make a cobbler instead of cupcakes, is what I’m saying.

2. Swim All The Places. I will swim in a lake, a pool, and the ocean over the course of a week. I love swimming and it feels great to swim while I’m pregnant, and I sort of feel like it’s exercise but it’s also just the best feeling in the world to be in water, if you ask me. Rather than let the summer slip away, I will spend this week squeezing out the final dregs of summer enjoyment. This may also involve ice cream trucks and/or hot dogs. Summer!

3. Freezer Meals. I will make some food piles and put them in the freezer, to be thawed upon baby’s arrival when we do not want to cook food and are still trying to stay on budget. You know, tomato sauce, crock pot chili, that kind of thing. Maybe a lasagna, who knows!

4. Embroidery. My best friend got married last year and I still haven’t gotten her a proper wedding present (I’m the worst) and I’ve been meaning to do an embroidery for her and her husband and I’m going to do it this week. Oops and now she read about it and it won’t be a surprise anymore. Oh well. Surprises seem like a good idea and then they are sometimes scary so this is probably for the best. Sidenote: if you want me to scream very loudly in your face and maybe physically hurt you, stand behind a door and when I walk by, jump out and yell boo. I hate it.

5. Nail Art. I will do my nails three times this week, in creative ways, perhaps involving stencils or stamps or glitter or the third dimension, like this.

6. Watch Classic Movies I Have Never Seen/Don’t Remember. The word classic here is maybe a misnomer. The movies I’m talking about are things like Jaws and Ghost Busters. I definitely saw Ghost Busters as a kid but I don’t really remember it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jaws. I’ve definitely never seen The Shining, that’s another one. This is to be reserved for a week when I have just about had it with standing up.

7. Spa Week. This week will involve face masks and maybe some kind of hair treatment, I don’t know. Lotions. Candles. You know, that kind of thing. Probably magazines too. Magazines are key. Tea. Etc.

8. Favorite Foods Week. This week I will eat bagels, pizza with sausage and banana peppers (heartburn be damned!), big salads so full of things that they cease to be healthy, hot fudge sundaes, and seltzer. What? I love seltzer.

9. Apple Everything. When it starts to feel like fall, I will force Billy to go apple picking with me and then I will bake things and eat a hundred apples and maybe make apple sauce and caramel apples–ooh, an excuse to buy a candy thermometer!

And that will take me to my due date. If I go over my due date, I think I’ll just give up on having a positive attitude (haha it’s been so positive so far!) and just lie on the couch and cry for however long it takes to get the baby out of me. I know myself well enough to know that I have exactly 9 weeks left of being a human. After that, all bets are off. I will turn into a crying couch monster.


30 Weeks

photo (86)I took this picture yesterday (technically 29 weeks 6 days) and it is misleading because I don’t look that big here but I am, in fact, gigantic, trust. Also those sandals squeeze my swollen feet so much that yesterday I had to go to Target and buy an array of ugly and huge sandals and shoes to get me through the next two months.

That being said, sometimes terrible things happen to people you love and you can’t get it up for a snarky post about swollen feet. Who even cares? I’m going to take this opportunity to notice and celebrate things I’m thankful for right now, because I am very lucky, everything is going pretty well for me and I need to recognize that sometimes.

Things That Are Great:

-Lately when the baby moves sometimes it feels like he is snuggling into me and I love it.

-Yesterday I went swimming with Billy and even though I had a legitimate toddler temper tantrum about it that included crying, we got there eventually and it was perfect.

-Last night we had friends over for spaghetti and meatballs and after they went home Billy and I sat on the grass and looked at the super moon and talked about the best night skies we’ve ever seen.


-My hair has been doing some great, mermaid-y things lately.

-I had two opportunities to see theatre this week, and be part of a conversation about a work in progress, which I love.

-Guardians of the Galaxy and the resulting dream I had about Chris Pratt. Even though he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, he was really nice and wanted to help me get my writing career off the ground because he thought I was funny. In the dream. (He didn’t want to have sex with me in my own dream, just to be clear.)

-Some people have been publishing my writing and there’s more on the way.

-When awful things happen to my favorite people I can drop everything and go to them, which is a freedom and a privilege that not everybody has.

So, I don’t know, let’s go outside and breathe the air a little bit today and be happy for the great things in life, because it is short and sometimes horrible but when it’s good, it’s so good.

Daisy Bell Lazzaro, Version 2.0

photo (85)

Do you guys remember how Daisy had a lot of issues for the first few years we had her? Well she’s doing great now!

She struggled with separation anxiety for a long time and we tried a lot of different things to help her. Eventually we hired a trainer, which helped a lot. But honestly, a suggestion from the trainer and Daisy’s vet that we get her a prescription for an anti-depressant was the thing that helped the most. It lets her anxiety take a back seat so she is more receptive to training. And she is happier! She won’t be on the medication forever, just a few months, and then we’ll taper it off and hopefully the anxiety won’t come back in full force. But for now, things are going really well and isn’t it nice to recognize when things are going really well?

It’s like that Kurt Vonnegut quote. “I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.'”

Things Daisy used to be afraid of: Billy, garbage cans, bicycles, skateboards, fireworks, being alone.

Things Daisy is now afraid of: skateboards, fireworks.

I’d say that’s a pretty big improvement. Skateboards and fireworks are scary.

Here’s a video of Daisy rolling in the grass, not peeing like I wanted her to, but she does not care.

And here is a video of Daisy wagging her tail in her sleep. I mean, come on.

If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.

29 Weeks

photo (84)


Those shoes are hilarious. I squeezed my feet into them and walked the four steps from my closet to the mirror, took two pictures, and immediately removed those shoes from my feet and threw them back in the closet. Those shoes are bullshit. They make my legs look slimmer, though. I will give them that.

I feel good at the moment. I’ve come to terms. Pregnancy is what it is. And it takes so goddamn long that it feels like I will be pregnant forever, so might as well figure out how to dress for my figure and how to make sure I’m comfortable and deal with the aches and pains. It kind of sounds like how hospice patients are treated. Just try to make her comfortable.

I’ve been fantasizing lately about things I’ll do once I have the baby. I’ll exercise every morning while Billy takes care of him, I’ll get family to watch him while I go to the movies to see Into the Woods (I am embarrassingly excited to see Into the Woods), I’ll work out a babysitting barter system with my friends who also have babies. I’ll get my life back. Don’t laugh, I know it will be different, but right now even when I feel good I feel shitty, so it has to be better than this. Just being one person, instead of two, is going to be heaven on earth. HEAVEN ON EARTH TO BE BUT ONE PERSON IN ONE BODY.

This weekend we went to visit family in Connecticut and had a great time, goofing around and sitting by the pool and shooting the shit and relaxing. I went for a nice 2 mile hike and Billy got lost running in the woods with Daisy and accidentally ran 8 miles and ended up the next town over, which I found mildly distressing but mostly kind of amusing. Billy might disagree with that assessment as I think he thought he might die out there. But the weekend was really fun and we swam and played games and sat by the fire and it was great. And at the end of the weekend, we took some family pictures and whoops, each of my boobs is the size of my head. Why. I just. I can’t.

It’s not forever.

It feels like it’s forever, though.

My sneakers are too small for my swollen feet. I haven’t been able to wear my wedding ring in weeks. There are visible blue veins all over my body. An old man told me I look like I’m starting to gain weight in my face. (Thank you! Helpful!) I can’t fit through small spaces, like squeezing past people in grocery lines is not an option. I swipe my belly against people and things with great frequency.

But, I don’t have stretch marks and I haven’t peed my pants yet, so let’s call it a win.