Emily Kaye Lazzaro

Amusing anecdotes almost entirely about myself.

Swimming Week

It was swimming week this week you guys. What an awesome week!

Incidentally, and probably for the best, this week has been very hot. Wednesday, in particular, was a shit show. I didn’t even swim on Wednesday. Just had a heat-induced crying breakdown.

On Sunday I went to the beach with Billy and our friend Jason. It was delightful! We read magazines and talked about how hot Justin Theroux is and watched babies walking around in their little baby beach outfits. Oh man, so good. And we swam in the ocean!



On Tuesday I went to Walden Pond with my friend Liz and her baby Henry! It was equally delightful but it was a lot hotter. We discussed babies mostly and tried not to get too scared of parasites that are found in ponds. Henry got his feet dipped in the water and smiled many times.



On Thursday I went to a public pool in Somerville by myself. It was kind of stressful at first. I also have never been to this pool before so I had to Google it and the first thing that came up was an incident in July when somebody had diarrhea in the pool and they had to close it for the day. So that bodes well!

I’m not great at going new places by myself where I will wear a very small amount of clothing because I am a human being. I got there before it opened and went in right when they lifted the gate, in the hopes that it wouldn’t be too crowded. I texted Billy while I was waiting, “Too bad life guards are always teenagers. I find the presence of teenagers unsettling.” What is it about teenagers? I always think they’re making fun of me.

But then I got in the water and swam a few laps and it was great. Totally worth it. And nobody had diarrhea.


32 Weeks

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32 weeks guys.

I think I have sciatica and carpal tunnel syndrome. My right hand has been numb for about 10 days and sometimes I can’t walk. Blow drying my hair is really hard. Typing this is really hard. Going for my morning 2 mile walk is REALLY hard. Whatever, life is hard.

Somehow, some way, I had a crazy busy week last week. I was out of the house every night for play workshops and theatre company meetings. I did a lot of writing and socializing and washing/folding/organizing of tiny clothing items and now I’m tired.

Busy weeks keep things moving, though, which is great. I don’t want to get too wrapped up in wanting this to be over, and being bored makes me count down the days. I know I’ve been wanting this to be over since about 18 weeks, but at this point I want him to stay in there developing his tiny lungs until the last possible minute. Or until like 38 weeks. 38 weeks is a great time to come out, little guy, if you’re ready! He’s measuring big and he’s in the perfect position for birth so hopefully everything will go perfectly and there will be no complications. lol. You know what they say about best laid plans, right? Everything always works out perfectly!

But seriously, I’m not even doing a birth plan. My birth plan is get baby out of me and make sure he can breathe.

Billy and I went to an all-day birth/infant care/breastfeeding class at the hospital on Saturday and we both cried every time the instructor showed a video of a birth. It was a little embarrassing. Tonight we’re doing the maternity ward tour at the hospital and then we will be ready for the baby to come. Oh except for getting diapers and finishing the nursery and getting our insurance to send us a breast pump and packing a bag. And probably some other stuff. And getting those lungs developed, most importantly. Lungs! We take those things for granted but they’re pretty clutch.

In other news, my script for a TV pilot (my first attempt at writing a TV show) was a semifinalist in a screenwriting contest. Hooray! If anybody wants to hire me to write their TV show, I am available starting… sometime. Ha. Let me amend that. If anybody wants to hire a very pregnant writer for their TV show, hit me up. I hope you are flexible because sometimes I have sciatic pain and can’t leave the house!

Baking Week

photo (88)Baking week you guys!

I was going to get super serious about making some elaborate cupcakes, but instead I chose not to go to the store and buy ingredients so I hacked a couple recipes I found online using only the ingredients I already had. Fun and budget friendly!

I made almond cupcakes with almond glaze and a decorative almond on top and dark chocolate brownies that I accidentally overcooked but whatever they are made of chocolate.

Here is the brownie recipe. I had to cut the recipe in half because I only had 4 ounces of baking chocolate (which is more bitter than the recipe suggests), and I also used dark cocoa because that’s what I had. And since it was less batter I probably should have baked it for less time than I did because they came out a little overdone but, again, whatever. They taste pretty good!

And this is the cupcake recipe, which I fucked with a lot. I didn’t have enough lemon to make the cake part lemony enough, so instead I put in almond extract, which I have and barely ever use. I also used almond milk because that’s what I had. And I didn’t have enough butter to make frosting (or cream cheese or lemons or blueberries) so I just whipped up an almond-y glaze, which was just confectioner’s sugar and a tablespoon and a half or so of water and a quarter teaspoon of almond extract. And I toasted some almonds in a pan and stuck one on top because I felt it needed something to tie it all together. These taste great, actually. Probably because no math was involved. Halving recipes is hard.

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Baking week was a success. It should also probably be known henceforth as Billy Has Cupcakes And Brownies For Breakfast Week.

Next week is swimming week. We start on Sunday with a ride up the coast and a dip in the ocean.

31 Weeks

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Rather than obsessively counting down the weeks and days I have until my due date, and rather than being sad about the fact that I now have to wear Billy’s sneakers when I go for my morning walk, I resolved to make a plan for the last 9 weeks of my pregnancy. Every week I’m going to have a new, fun activity to do. It will either be preparatory for when the baby comes, or just a fun thing that is not too strenuous.

1. Make The Best Cupcakes Ever. This will probably be a blueberry/lemon cupcake I made this spring, but I think I will be VERY SERIOUS about sourcing the finest of ingredients. Also this might morph into something that’s more like Make The Best Peach Cobbler Ever as peaches are in season and I love peach cobbler. I’m giving myself a fair amount of wiggle room in all of these plans as the purpose is really for me to enjoy the last weeks of my pregnancy while also distracting myself from the back pain and self-diagnosed carpal tunnel syndrome and general horrible swelling. So lay off me if I make a cobbler instead of cupcakes, is what I’m saying.

2. Swim All The Places. I will swim in a lake, a pool, and the ocean over the course of a week. I love swimming and it feels great to swim while I’m pregnant, and I sort of feel like it’s exercise but it’s also just the best feeling in the world to be in water, if you ask me. Rather than let the summer slip away, I will spend this week squeezing out the final dregs of summer enjoyment. This may also involve ice cream trucks and/or hot dogs. Summer!

3. Freezer Meals. I will make some food piles and put them in the freezer, to be thawed upon baby’s arrival when we do not want to cook food and are still trying to stay on budget. You know, tomato sauce, crock pot chili, that kind of thing. Maybe a lasagna, who knows!

4. Embroidery. My best friend got married last year and I still haven’t gotten her a proper wedding present (I’m the worst) and I’ve been meaning to do an embroidery for her and her husband and I’m going to do it this week. Oops and now she read about it and it won’t be a surprise anymore. Oh well. Surprises seem like a good idea and then they are sometimes scary so this is probably for the best. Sidenote: if you want me to scream very loudly in your face and maybe physically hurt you, stand behind a door and when I walk by, jump out and yell boo. I hate it.

5. Nail Art. I will do my nails three times this week, in creative ways, perhaps involving stencils or stamps or glitter or the third dimension, like this.

6. Watch Classic Movies I Have Never Seen/Don’t Remember. The word classic here is maybe a misnomer. The movies I’m talking about are things like Jaws and Ghost Busters. I definitely saw Ghost Busters as a kid but I don’t really remember it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jaws. I’ve definitely never seen The Shining, that’s another one. This is to be reserved for a week when I have just about had it with standing up.

7. Spa Week. This week will involve face masks and maybe some kind of hair treatment, I don’t know. Lotions. Candles. You know, that kind of thing. Probably magazines too. Magazines are key. Tea. Etc.

8. Favorite Foods Week. This week I will eat bagels, pizza with sausage and banana peppers (heartburn be damned!), big salads so full of things that they cease to be healthy, hot fudge sundaes, and seltzer. What? I love seltzer.

9. Apple Everything. When it starts to feel like fall, I will force Billy to go apple picking with me and then I will bake things and eat a hundred apples and maybe make apple sauce and caramel apples–ooh, an excuse to buy a candy thermometer!

And that will take me to my due date. If I go over my due date, I think I’ll just give up on having a positive attitude (haha it’s been so positive so far!) and just lie on the couch and cry for however long it takes to get the baby out of me. I know myself well enough to know that I have exactly 9 weeks left of being a human. After that, all bets are off. I will turn into a crying couch monster.


30 Weeks

photo (86)I took this picture yesterday (technically 29 weeks 6 days) and it is misleading because I don’t look that big here but I am, in fact, gigantic, trust. Also those sandals squeeze my swollen feet so much that yesterday I had to go to Target and buy an array of ugly and huge sandals and shoes to get me through the next two months.

That being said, sometimes terrible things happen to people you love and you can’t get it up for a snarky post about swollen feet. Who even cares? I’m going to take this opportunity to notice and celebrate things I’m thankful for right now, because I am very lucky, everything is going pretty well for me and I need to recognize that sometimes.

Things That Are Great:

-Lately when the baby moves sometimes it feels like he is snuggling into me and I love it.

-Yesterday I went swimming with Billy and even though I had a legitimate toddler temper tantrum about it that included crying, we got there eventually and it was perfect.

-Last night we had friends over for spaghetti and meatballs and after they went home Billy and I sat on the grass and looked at the super moon and talked about the best night skies we’ve ever seen.


-My hair has been doing some great, mermaid-y things lately.

-I had two opportunities to see theatre this week, and be part of a conversation about a work in progress, which I love.

-Guardians of the Galaxy and the resulting dream I had about Chris Pratt. Even though he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, he was really nice and wanted to help me get my writing career off the ground because he thought I was funny. In the dream. (He didn’t want to have sex with me in my own dream, just to be clear.)

-Some people have been publishing my writing and there’s more on the way.

-When awful things happen to my favorite people I can drop everything and go to them, which is a freedom and a privilege that not everybody has.

So, I don’t know, let’s go outside and breathe the air a little bit today and be happy for the great things in life, because it is short and sometimes horrible but when it’s good, it’s so good.

Daisy Bell Lazzaro, Version 2.0

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Do you guys remember how Daisy had a lot of issues for the first few years we had her? Well she’s doing great now!

She struggled with separation anxiety for a long time and we tried a lot of different things to help her. Eventually we hired a trainer, which helped a lot. But honestly, a suggestion from the trainer and Daisy’s vet that we get her a prescription for an anti-depressant was the thing that helped the most. It lets her anxiety take a back seat so she is more receptive to training. And she is happier! She won’t be on the medication forever, just a few months, and then we’ll taper it off and hopefully the anxiety won’t come back in full force. But for now, things are going really well and isn’t it nice to recognize when things are going really well?

It’s like that Kurt Vonnegut quote. “I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’”

Things Daisy used to be afraid of: Billy, garbage cans, bicycles, skateboards, fireworks, being alone.

Things Daisy is now afraid of: skateboards, fireworks.

I’d say that’s a pretty big improvement. Skateboards and fireworks are scary.

Here’s a video of Daisy rolling in the grass, not peeing like I wanted her to, but she does not care.

And here is a video of Daisy wagging her tail in her sleep. I mean, come on.

If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.

29 Weeks

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Those shoes are hilarious. I squeezed my feet into them and walked the four steps from my closet to the mirror, took two pictures, and immediately removed those shoes from my feet and threw them back in the closet. Those shoes are bullshit. They make my legs look slimmer, though. I will give them that.

I feel good at the moment. I’ve come to terms. Pregnancy is what it is. And it takes so goddamn long that it feels like I will be pregnant forever, so might as well figure out how to dress for my figure and how to make sure I’m comfortable and deal with the aches and pains. It kind of sounds like how hospice patients are treated. Just try to make her comfortable.

I’ve been fantasizing lately about things I’ll do once I have the baby. I’ll exercise every morning while Billy takes care of him, I’ll get family to watch him while I go to the movies to see Into the Woods (I am embarrassingly excited to see Into the Woods), I’ll work out a babysitting barter system with my friends who also have babies. I’ll get my life back. Don’t laugh, I know it will be different, but right now even when I feel good I feel shitty, so it has to be better than this. Just being one person, instead of two, is going to be heaven on earth. HEAVEN ON EARTH TO BE BUT ONE PERSON IN ONE BODY.

This weekend we went to visit family in Connecticut and had a great time, goofing around and sitting by the pool and shooting the shit and relaxing. I went for a nice 2 mile hike and Billy got lost running in the woods with Daisy and accidentally ran 8 miles and ended up the next town over, which I found mildly distressing but mostly kind of amusing. Billy might disagree with that assessment as I think he thought he might die out there. But the weekend was really fun and we swam and played games and sat by the fire and it was great. And at the end of the weekend, we took some family pictures and whoops, each of my boobs is the size of my head. Why. I just. I can’t.

It’s not forever.

It feels like it’s forever, though.

My sneakers are too small for my swollen feet. I haven’t been able to wear my wedding ring in weeks. There are visible blue veins all over my body. An old man told me I look like I’m starting to gain weight in my face. (Thank you! Helpful!) I can’t fit through small spaces, like squeezing past people in grocery lines is not an option. I swipe my belly against people and things with great frequency.

But, I don’t have stretch marks and I haven’t peed my pants yet, so let’s call it a win.

Baby Names

lincoln logs


Naming a human is kind of a fraught issue. They have this name forever! And if you pick something dumb, they might get teased. (Although, whatever, if your kid is a dweeb, he’s going to be teased, that’s just life.) If you pick something boring then you will have a baby who is known forever more as Aiden L. or whatever. It’s also a great opportunity to make your awesome personal style apparent to others and you don’t want to waste that.

But also, it’s not even just one person’s decision. The two of you have to agree on something. Ugh, it’s tough, you guys.

Billy and I have a list of names we’re considering, but we probably won’t choose outright until the baby comes out and we can get a good look at him. I’m not telling you what names are on that list because I’m not insane, this is 2014 and the Internet is a horrible cesspool full of unfulfilled dickheads who will judge any and all decisions I make and how dare I try to share something about my personal experience.

Sidetracked. #fuckthedailymail.

Since I’m not telling you what we are considering, I thought I’d tell you a bunch of awesome names we’re not considering for various reasons, because names are fun!

Names We Will Not Be Giving To Our Child:

Lincoln – This name is amazing for lots of reasons. He was a killer president who freed the slaves and was very tall and clever. Oh my gosh and you could call him Link for a nickname! Ahhhh. But we are not using this name because Lincoln Lazzaro sounds like lincoln logs and that’s not cool. Unless… maybe kids don’t know what lincoln logs are anymore? Are they still a thing? Hmm.

Beckett – This is from Samuel Beckett, existential playwright and huge influencer of my writing and thinking and personal life philosophy. Also it’s a sweet name. I’m really into last-name-y first names. But Billy has never read or seen any Beckett (I know, that is a tragedy that must be swiftly remedied, maybe I will find an old filmed version of Waiting for Godot at the library and force him to watch it) so this is a non starter. But ugh it’s so cute.

Henry – I love this name, especially because Henry David Thoreau is my boy. He was really into nature and his last words were “Now comes good sailing” followed by “moose” and “Indian.” He’s the best. But our good friends just named their adorable baby Henry and they get dibs. We are going to force our baby to be best friends with this currently 5 week old Henry, and it would just be weird if they had the same name. Weird and confusing.

Rocco – Rocco Lazzaro lives in New Jersey and is an apprentice at his uncle’s garage. He wears a lot of tank tops.

Finn – I love this name but Billy hates it for reasons I can’t fathom. It’s so cute! Having to agree with another person on a baby name is one of the great injustices of the world. Like, on par with female genital mutilation and ethnic cleansing. I AM KIDDING, IT IS NOT ON PAR WITH THOSE THINGS, EESH.

Luca – Luca Lazzaro is really hot but he will cheat on you. For a few years of his life, he has a ponytail. He’s too short to be a model, but he once paid to have professional shirtless photos taken. Also, a bully called him Lincoln Logs for awhile in middle school.

28 Weeks

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You guys, I’m in the third trimester! Yayyyy! This is the home stretch. Twelve weeks until my due date. I can handle twelve weeks.

I’ve actually been feeling great lately because of stupid exercise and its stupid physical and emotional benefits. And also vegetables. Ugh, shut up vegetables and exercise, everyone knows you’re great, you don’t have to keep talking about it.

I had more energy this week than I have had in months, but I still don’t have enough energy to be a normal person. On Saturday we hosted a birthday cook out for our friend Emily (at one point there were four Emilys in attendance, that was fun) and I made a cake and hung out for a few hours, but at around 7pm I had to go lie on the couch and binge watch Parks and Recreation because I just couldn’t talk to anyone or hold my body upright anymore. One of my friends who recently had a baby was at the cook out and I asked her if she had more energy now that she’s not pregnant and she said within 24 hours she was back to normal. She said even with three hours of sleep, she now has more energy than she did while pregnant. That’s something to look forward to!

ALSO! YOU GUYS! Yesterday a bunch of my awesome theatre/writing lady friends threw me a surprise baby shower at my house! There were decorations and non-gross games that were trivia-related and legitimately fun, and presents! Presents are the best. Like, look at this fucking onesie:

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I wish that onesie was a shirt that I could wear every day because it is perfect.

So Billy was integral in the execution of the surprise, and he sent me to get a massage and when he picked me up, all relaxed and happy but with massage oil on every square inch of my body including on my face and in my hair, he took me home and it was decorated and there was a table full of food and treats and everyone said surprise and it was so great! And then I had to leave the party in my house to take a shower because I was covered in massage oil and that was different, but worked out fine. I came out of my room wearing a nice outfit and wedges, which stayed on my feet for about 45 seconds, during which I tried to make sure everybody had seen the shoes and the effort I put into putting them on my feet and then I took them off and went barefoot for the rest of the party.

baby shower

Anyway, my friends are great and I feel really lucky and everything is delightful right now. Like, I even sleep really well. I get up once or twice to pee in the night but it’s not the end of the world. I think I’m figuring out this pregnancy thing. Just in time for the third trimester which is supposed to be horrible! Hopefully I can hold onto this feeling good thing for a few more weeks, until I get so big I can’t move and just eat and cry all day long.

Stay tuned later this week for a post about baby names! Do you think I will tell you what names we’re considering? Ha! No I will not be telling you names we are considering because this is the Internet and the Internet is full of assholes. But come read the post anyway.

27 Weeks

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Guys, things went off the rails a little bit last week. Haha! I’m feeling a lot better now.

I’ve said this before and I’ll probably say it again: I come from hearty European peasant stock. If there was a famine, I’d probably survive. By that I mean, evolutionarily speaking, I have a great metabolism! However, my “great” metabolism is less great in this age of plenty. Point being, I usually work very hard to maintain a normal body. I constantly diet and aggressively exercise to maintain a BMI on the high side of normal.

American society likes to tell pregnant women that they should relax, eat ice cream, and take it easy, but that doesn’t actually work for me. In my case, that behavior results in too much weight gain and high blood pressure. I had a bit of a breakdown at the doctor’s office this week (literally cried and when she said she could get me an appointment with a nutritionist I yelled “I KNOW HOW TO BE ON A DIET”) but it was a necessary wake up call. I got back on the fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean meats train and got back to going for long walks every day. Now that my body has adjusted to the exercise and healthy eating I’m feeling a lot more energized and happy. And I’ve even managed to get my blood pressure down to prehypertension levels as opposed to YOU ARE PROBABLY HAVING A HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW levels. My goal for this week is to get down to normal levels, but I’m trying not to get overzealous. Pro tip: exercise and healthy food is great. Ugh why is that surprising to me? I knew that already.

But, listen, you don’t come to this website for affirmations and crap about healthy living. You come here for me to tell you about stupid fights I’ve had with my husband. At least, that’s my understanding of my audience. So let me tell you about the night Billy went to a work outing in which he drank beer and ate pizza and ice cream and came home half an hour later than I was expecting him. Oh boy did I not like that! Because, and I know this is irrational, but I can’t have beer or pizza or ice cream even anymore, and honestly I’m usually too tired to even go out and see buddies, so he got to do four things I can’t do, AND I was waiting for him to come home so I wasn’t even sleeping, which is kind of the only thing I have left. That and beachy waves. I’m getting really good at doing beachy waves. (The trick is to either have a curling wand or using your normal curling iron without the clampy bit.)

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(This was taken last Friday, in which I tired myself out doing beachy waves and then had to leave the cook out I attended early, in order to rest my weary curling iron hand.)


In conclusion, Billy got in trouble for having fun, how dare he.

Also, getting back into exercising regularly, even just walking 1 or 2 miles at a brisk-ish pace, resulted in a lot of body aches for me. On Saturday night, I had a knot in my back and some kind of sciatica flare up, combined with sore muscles from walking and swimming, and it all made me feel so awful that I thought I might have to kill myself, not really but kind of? Pregnant women can’t take ibuprofen or muscle relaxers or anything, so it feels especially dire when these kinds of nights occur. I had managed to fall asleep with a hot water bottle on my back and an ice pack on my hip, but I woke up at 1am to pee and then was stuck with the unending pain again. I cried and writhed about it for awhile, then I sat up in bed, said to Billy “I’m going to kill myself” then got out of bed and went into the living room.

Later, Billy told me he was like “ahh now I can sleep” and then a few minutes passed and I didn’t come back and he bolted up in bed and was like “Is she going to actually kill herself???” so he eventually made his way into the living room to check on me, where I was rolling around on the couch, moaning. One thing pregnant women are allowed to have is Benadryl, so I took two of those and eventually fell into a fitful sleep. I wasn’t really having an allergic reaction so I bet it would be frowned upon my the medical establishment, but I think it’s allowed because I am allergic to being in pain at 1 in the morning. I’m also allergic to not being asleep at nighttime. In the morning I felt a lot better, but ugh. Why is everything so extreme?

Listen, being pregnant is hard, but staying on top of it is the key for me, I think.

And anyway, everything worth doing is hard.