Naming a human is kind of a fraught issue. They have this name forever! And if you pick something dumb, they might get teased. (Although, whatever, if your kid is a dweeb, he’s going to be teased, that’s just life.) If you pick something boring then you will have a baby who is known forever more as Aiden L. or whatever. It’s also a great opportunity to make your awesome personal style apparent to others and you don’t want to waste that.
But also, it’s not even just one person’s decision. The two of you have to agree on something. Ugh, it’s tough, you guys.
Billy and I have a list of names we’re considering, but we probably won’t choose outright until the baby comes out and we can get a good look at him. I’m not telling you what names are on that list because I’m not insane, this is 2014 and the Internet is a horrible cesspool full of unfulfilled dickheads who will judge any and all decisions I make and how dare I try to share something about my personal experience.
Since I’m not telling you what we are considering, I thought I’d tell you a bunch of awesome names we’re not considering for various reasons, because names are fun!
Names We Will Not Be Giving To Our Child:
Lincoln – This name is amazing for lots of reasons. He was a killer president who freed the slaves and was very tall and clever. Oh my gosh and you could call him Link for a nickname! Ahhhh. But we are not using this name because Lincoln Lazzaro sounds like lincoln logs and that’s not cool. Unless… maybe kids don’t know what lincoln logs are anymore? Are they still a thing? Hmm.
Beckett – This is from Samuel Beckett, existential playwright and huge influencer of my writing and thinking and personal life philosophy. Also it’s a sweet name. I’m really into last-name-y first names. But Billy has never read or seen any Beckett (I know, that is a tragedy that must be swiftly remedied, maybe I will find an old filmed version of Waiting for Godot at the library and force him to watch it) so this is a non starter. But ugh it’s so cute.
Henry – I love this name, especially because Henry David Thoreau is my boy. He was really into nature and his last words were “Now comes good sailing” followed by “moose” and “Indian.” He’s the best. But our good friends just named their adorable baby Henry and they get dibs. We are going to force our baby to be best friends with this currently 5 week old Henry, and it would just be weird if they had the same name. Weird and confusing.
Rocco – Rocco Lazzaro lives in New Jersey and is an apprentice at his uncle’s garage. He wears a lot of tank tops.
Finn – I love this name but Billy hates it for reasons I can’t fathom. It’s so cute! Having to agree with another person on a baby name is one of the great injustices of the world. Like, on par with female genital mutilation and ethnic cleansing. I AM KIDDING, IT IS NOT ON PAR WITH THOSE THINGS, EESH.
Luca – Luca Lazzaro is really hot but he will cheat on you. For a few years of his life, he has a ponytail. He’s too short to be a model, but he once paid to have professional shirtless photos taken. Also, a bully called him Lincoln Logs for awhile in middle school.