Emily Kaye Lazzaro

I’m back from vacation and there’s a lot I want to share with you, but first I want you guys to play this fun new game with me.  It’s a game where you make up advertising slogans for things that don’t need advertising slogans.  Inspired partially by Chandler Bing from a little show called Amigos.  Just kidding, even in Mexico it’s called Friends.  We watched this episode in the hotel room last week and were inspired.

My favorite one Chandler comes up with is “Pants.  Like shorts, but longer.”  Haha.  That show really stands the test of time.

Okay so, a few examples for you:

Limes.

Limes.  When life hands you lemons, throw them out and get some limes.
Limes.  Because who wants a key lemon pie?  Nobody.
Limes.  Sometimes it’s easy being green.

Tacos.

Tacos.  Because forks are too hard.
Tacos.  Because your gastro-intestinal tract needed a work-out.
Tacos.  Put ‘em in your panza!*

*Panza is Spanish for belly.  #TheMoreYouKnow

Sunscreen.

Sunscreen.  Having a tan is hot, but try to think long-term.
Sunscreen.  Does this mole look weird to you?  No, because I put on sunscreen.
Sunscreen.   True story: I heard a Canadian dairy farmer ask one of the Mexican waiters what he uses for sunburns.  Don’t be that guy.

Another fun thing about this game is you can do it from anywhere, just using the things you see around you, as evidenced by the material I was working with above.  Today my list would include things like green tea, yoga pants, and unseasonable weather.

Yoga Pants.  Because you work from home.

Green Tea.  I think it helps you lose weight!

Unseasonable Weather.  The best part of global warming.

I could go on forever, baby.*  Let’s play!  Leave comments with slogans and stuff, it’ll be so fun, you guys!

*If you get this reference I will divorce Billy and marry you.

Guys I´m in Mexico but I want to share a link with you.  It´s a blog I wrote for my friend who is raising money for Doctors Without Borders or something, I´m not entirely clear on what is going on there but read it and donate if you´re a good person.  Here it is!

1. Last night I discovered that my cat Oscar really likes creme fraiche.  Now that’s a sentence.

2. I think that sunscreen on my face makes my eyes feel all burny.  Does this happen to other people?  I’m trying not to get skin cancer so I spent too much money on this moisturizer that has SPF 35, just to wear for everyday, and now my eyes feel all burny.  Isn’t that some irony for you?  Reason number 856 why I would not make it through a zombie apocalypse: without SPF I get skin cancer (probably), and with it my eyes get all burny.

3. I recently had a realization: if I continue to work in theatre for the rest of my life, I will basically never have my nights free.  How do I feel about this?  Well, to put a positive spin on it, if I can’t get theatre work for awhile that just means more time to spend at home watching TV and cooking dinner and drinking wine.  It’s basically win-win?  This is uncharacteristically positive of me, but whatever!

4. My friend Patrick sent this to me the other day and I keep thinking about it and smiling.
He’s just a little husky!

Hey you guys.  So tonight is the last night of the first ever Boston One-Minute Play Festival!  It’s been an awesome experience so far.  There’s a really solid community of playwrights, directors, and actors in Boston and sometimes it can be easy to forget that, since we’re up here in the shadow of New York.  So, hooray for Boston theatre.  I hope the OMPF comes back to us again soon.  And if you’re around and reading this and want to try your luck with the waiting list, come out to the Boston Playwrights’ Theatre and see the show!  I’m acting in four minutes of it, and I wrote two other minutes of it so if you see it you’ll get a sum total of six minutes of solid Emily time, but honestly, it’s not about any one person at all.  Which is the best thing about this festival.  It’s a truly shared experience.  OH AND I ALMOST FORGOT.  If you don’t live in Boston or you don’t have a ticket or you’re busy or whatever, the show is streaming live tonight.  So you can watch it in real time.  That’s pretty cool, huh?  Check it out here tonight at 8pm.

I have made some improvements and updates to this website so please check them out if you’re so inclined!  I added some new stuff I’m doing to the Bio page, and some new stuff to the Plays page, and some new stuff to the Upcoming page.  And Billy is working very hard at making it easier for you guys to subscribe to the blog and stuff, if you want.  I’m not saying you have to subscribe, it’s fine either way, I’m just saying, if you want to, it’s easier.  Or it will be soon, hopefully.  Just… please like me?  I like you!

THIS IS THE WORST BLOG POST BUT I’M LATE FOR SOMETHING!

My new years resolutions:

1. Drink more tea.

2. Say yes to everything, enjoy being busy, and relish falling into bed exhausted every night.

3. Eat vegetables at every opportunity.

4. Savor things.  All the things.  Slow down.

5. Run a 10k.

6. Get paid money for writing plays, acting, and/or teaching.  Beat my current record of $10.86.

7. Banish discouragement.  And jealousy.  And stop talking about how unjust it is that nobody values theatre enough to let me make a living.  Be grateful.  And remember that the waiting is the hardest part.

8. Figure out how to embed video on my blog.

UPDATE: Check number 8 off the list…

9. Lose 13 pounds.  I am not above this.

Everybody with a blog is on vacation this week, which means that I am sitting at my computer, trying like the dickens not to work on this play I’m writing, and there’s nothing for me to read or watch.  Which means I am resorting to baking when I can’t look at my own asinine dialogue anymore.  But that is neither here nor there.  (I made cheddar thyme scones just now, they are ridiculous.)  The point of this post is to talk about New Year’s Eve you guys!  This year Billy and I are going to Maine to spend the weekend with my dad’s side of the family so it shouldn’t be too ridiculous.  But that got me thinking of all the ridiculous New Year’s Eves I’ve spent in the past.  And now, in chronological order, starting in the year 2000, is a list of how I spent the countdown to the new year:

1999-2000:

I was a freshman in high school and I went to this new store in the mall called Forever 21 with my friends to buy slutty outfits, which we proceeded to wear in my living room with my mom while my hamster rolled by in his hamster ball as the clock counted down to midnight.  When midnight came, we ran outside to see if the world had ended.  It hadn’t.

2000-2001:

I invited my friends to my dad’s house and we sneaked Miller Lights from his basement refrigerator and pretended they were sparkling apple cider and poured them into champagne flutes.  My dad definitely knew it was beer.  We each had about two champagne flutes worth of beer and then acted drunk, which we were not.

2001-2002:

We went to a Sleater-Kinney/Flaming Lips concert in Madison Square Garden but my friend threw up in a garbage can, so we had to take her home and we rang in the new year on MetroNorth on the way back to Connecticut.

2002-2003:

We went to some kind of big party at a church and drank a bunch of Smirnoff Ices.  One of my friends tried to make out with me while I was asleep on the living room carpet.  He turned out to be gay.  In retrospect, this might not have been New Year’s…

2003-2004:

We went to New York City and tried to stand in Times Square to watch the ball drop but my friend had to pee so she jumped one of the barricades to pee in an alley and I went with her and these cops wouldn’t let us back over the barricade after, so we had to leave.

2004-2005:

Can’t remember, for the life of me.

2005-2006:

We had a party in Connecticut that we lovingly dubbed “New Year’s Punk/Metal Eve”.  This was the time I rang in the new year with my head in the toilet.

2006-2007:

We were in Peru for my cousin’s wedding.  We ate twelve grapes in the last twelve seconds of the year and we gave each other yellow underwear.  It’s a South American tradition, apparently.

2007-2008:

Billy and I watched the ball drop on TV and went to bed.

2008-2009:

We took a family trip to Antigua.  It was my college graduation present.

2009-2010:

Billy and I were planning our wedding and were all stressed out about everything so I don’t think we did anything at all.

2010-2011:

Jared and Katie got married!  Word to the wise: it’s really fun to go to a wedding on New Year’s Eve.  Everybody have your wedding on New Year’s Eve!  You take away everyone’s pressure to make plans!  Everybody will thank you for it.

Jeez, those got pretty boring by the end, huh?  Growing up makes you have less horrible stories, I suppose.  What was your favorite New Year’s Eve?  I think my favorite was… God, they were all kind of disasters, weren’t they?  Probably New Year’s Punk/Metal Eve was the most fun, minus the vomiting.

YOU GUYS!  How was everyone’s holiday time?  Are you all still off work?  I feel like nobody is at work right now.  I, on the other hand, have to finish a draft of this crazy circus play I’m writing by Sunday, which, it should be noted, is the worst deadline ever.  Seems like a logical time to have a deadline, January 1st.  But don’t do it.  It’s a bad idea.

There are some other things going on as well!  I have to memorize my lines for the One Minute Play Festival and I have to finish reading my packets of ten-minute plays for the Boston Theatre Marathon.  Things are busy over here.  Which is to say, sorry for not posting as frequently lately.  I’ll get better next week!  Or definitely by February.

But listen.  The real reason I’m posting today is to share something amazing with you.  A picture of me when I was probably nine years old?  Maybe ten?  It’s horrible:

AHH!  Isn’t it horrible?  It’s so horrible.

But whatever.  We all have awkward periods.  Mine was from age eight to about… age sixteen.  It was a long awkward period.  But it did end!  And now I know enough  not to wear George Costanza glasses and sleeveless polo shirts.  NOBODY WEAR SLEEVELESS POLO SHIRTS, SERIOUSLY.  It’s not a good idea!

Do you guys have horrible photos of yourselves from your childhood?!  Do you know how to post them in the comments?  Because if you can figure that out, and I understand it will be tricky because I don’t even know how to post photos in the comments, but if you know how, you should post your worst childhood picture because, like I said, misery loves company.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, SAD NINE-YEAR-OLD SELF!

This is a portion of a monologue that I really like that was going to be the opening moment in a new play I’m writing, but I’m cutting it because it’s not right, but I really think it’s funny and I like it so I’m posting it here, because what are blogs for if not this?

Without further ado…

TIGER: This is a story of a circus.  Obviously.  It’s called The Circus.  Really good beginning to a story, I know.  My people are great storytellers.  We have a rich oral tradition.  Anyway.  Once upon a time…

Haha.  That would have been a terrible way to start this play!

In other news, Priscilla Dreams the Answer closed on Saturday night, which was also my birthday.  It was very bitter-sweet.  I loved being a part of the production, I think Fresh Ink Theatre Company is really awesome, and I’m thrilled to be acting again.  And I’ll miss doing this play.  It was incredibly fun.  But the baby Jesus doesn’t close a door without opening a window.  Or something.  I’m going to be acting again in January, is what I’m saying.  In the Boston One-Minute Play Festival, for which I have also written two plays.  Theatre theatre theatre.  It’s funny, sometimes if you quit your day job to follow your dreams, you occasionally get to actually follow them.  Sometimes things work out!  Hooray!

And finally, yesterday I ran in a 5K in Harvard Square with lots of friends and family and it was super fun!  Even though it was insanely freezing cold out.  It was in the twenties.  Regardless of the weather, I did a personal best and finished the 5K in 31:08, doing a 10:02 mile.  Last 5K was a 10:24 mile, so that’s a pretty decent improvement!  I was proud.  And cold.  Very, very cold.  Here are some pictures!

MEIN BRUDDER!

Santa!!!

His belt buckle was a little ostentatious, though, honestly.

In conclusion, races are really fun!  Let’s all do another one!  Maybe when it warms up a little bit!

So you’re an old lady who has a lot of money and interesting taste!  Congratulations!  I’m sure you’re not drowning in student loan debt and that must be a very comfortable way to live.  But now it’s the holiday season and you are faced with the task of sending your assistants out to locate and procure presents for your family, friends, and staff.  Does Anthropologie have a gift guide for you!  So sit back, relax, and rest assured that if you follow this gift guide you will surely confound every loved one on your list.

For your 7-year-old grand-niece:

The Legacy Shoulder Bag, $408

She can put her My Little Ponies in there or whatever.  And when she destroys it with crayons and boogers or whatever children destroy things with (breastmilk?) her mother will force her to keep it and then when she is a young adult she will realize how well-made an accessory it was and she’ll feel very guilty for getting all those boogers on it and she’ll come visit you more often.  Win-win.

For your gardener:

Quilted Patchwork Robe, $148

You’re fairly sure this item is unisex, and anyway, you think Javier is from Europe where gender rules are a little more fluid, so this is probably perfect.  And who doesn’t love a footloose and fancy-free piece of investment intimate wear?  No one doesn’t love that.  Javier will be so pleased.

For your brother-in-law:

Laguiole Turqoise Knife Set, $1,200

Harold is always bragging that he’s 1/32 Seminole so he will surely love these steak knives with semi-precious turquoise handles.  And your sister Enid will be wracked with jealousy.  They made their beds and they can lie in them!  They wanted to be artists and live in bohemian obscurity, and that’s just fine.  You will help Harold and Enid understand that if only they had made different life choices they could also afford to spend $1,200 on frivolous kitchen accessories.

For your mailman:

Leather Armadillo Carafe, $158

Everyone knows that all humans decant their wine, and what could be more appropriate for a public servant than this whimsical armadillo carafe?  You’re fairly sure your mailman is drunk most days that he delivers the mail, otherwise why would he crunch up all the letters so severely, unless he has some sort of personal problem with you?  Show him you are observant with this alcohol-related accessory.  He will be the belle of every dinner party!

For your personal assistant:

Filoplume Cardigan, $348

Stacy is there by your side from dawn until dusk and she deserves to be acknowledged as the not-incompetent and thoroughly acceptable employee that she is.  She will absolutely adore this cardigan and every time she wears it the message will be loud and clear: “I take risks and I’m not afraid to follow my dreams!  Sometimes I dress in a manner that is mildly inappropriate and my employer has taken notice!”  This cardigan will allow her wild streak to show, but will keep her breasts under wraps, for goodness sake.  And the feathers seem to be very “in” these days, so that’s another plus!