Billy and I drank a bottle of too-sweet riesling and watched Contraband on HBO Go. Maybe there were other movies we could have chosen. Game Change is supposed to be good. I really wanted to watch Magic Mike but Billy wasn’t having it. He didn’t want to watch this, either, because of my raging and honestly sort of unflattering crush on Mark Wahlberg, but look. Look! CONTRABAND. This is a movie to be reviewed drunkenly if I’ve ever seen one.
It was… fine.
Billy started calling everything contraband. It started as a passive aggressive jab and turned into the most fun thing ever.
Billy: Do you want some more wine? Well you can’t have it because it’s CONTRABAND.
Spoiler alert: The contraband was actually fake money, drugs, and a Jackson Pollock that all the cops just thought was a messed up tarp because cops are dumb, according to Mark Wahlberg, not me. #supportourcops.
At one point, in Panama (obviously), the guy from Y Tu Mama Tambien (the less cute one, but still cute, but very dirty and outlaw-ish in this movie, but at least he wasn’t masturbating) is trying to steal the Pollock and is caught in this INSANE firefight with Panamanian cops and everybody is just getting shot and dying all over the place, and I decided this was the time to give Billy a lecture about gun control. He was like “I agree with you” but I didn’t care. I heard a story on NPR or read it in Time or something… the internet even maybe? #journalism. It was about how accidental child gun deaths are crazily underreported because in most states death certificates aren’t considered public record, so when they try to figure out how many children are killed by accident they can only find out about the ones people voluntarily tell them about. Who is “them”? I don’t know, the government or scientists or something. But anyway, it’s usually kids killed by other kids when they’re playing, when their parents have a gun in the house, and like 90% of the kids have had extensive instruction on how to handle guns and how to respect them and they get killed by their little kid friends because they are children and can’t be trusted with anything. They can’t be trusted not to get macaroni and cheese all over the couch, why would you trust them with a gun?
Later in the movie, after Y Tu Mama Tambien guy is brutally killed by cops because of art, somebody says “If you do whatever, I will cut your head off and stick it up your ass” which reminded me of this book I read about a guy who was an ambulance driver and he talks about how doctors are super gross and they keep a box of stuff they’ve had to remove from people’s butts (like a head, in the above scenario). Little known fact: when you put something up your butt, there’s this special thing called an anal wink that happens. What do you think that is? It’s just what it sounds like. That’s why people are always going to the hospital to have stuff removed from their butts. Your butt is like a raccoon. It takes your shiny things and it keeps them hidden in its den and it does not want to give your shiny things back to you. Mine forever! says your butt.
This led to me and Billy repeatedly winking at each other and saying “anal wink” and losing interest in the movie.
We watched it through, though, and everything worked out in the end.
1. Giovanni Ribisi will pretty much say yes to anything, looks like.
2. I feel like Giovanni Ribisi and Edward Norton have a similar sort of “I am a weird geek kind of so I’m going to do all these movies where I’m a badass because it makes me feel good about myself”. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Follow your bliss, weird geeky actor guys.
3. Oh also! The guy from Flash Forward was in it. I loved that show. Disney Channel in the late 90s ftw.
4. Kate Beckinsale was fine. But it was like that Jim Gaffigan joke about how he was distracted watching Monsters Ball because Halle Berry was so pretty, she could have gotten herself out of poverty by becoming a model. Kate Beckinsale should move out of the crappy part of New Orleans and just go to LA and be a model, she would do great. She’s so pretty. Problem solved. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t have to get CONTRABAND from Panama anymore.
5. Mark Wahlberg was totally dreamy, worth the price of admission right there (admission was $0).
It was like a B-/C+. I don’t know, watch it if you’re bored!