Emily Kaye Lazzaro

So you’re an old lady who has a lot of money and interesting taste!  Congratulations!  I’m sure you’re not drowning in student loan debt and that must be a very comfortable way to live.  But now it’s the holiday season and you are faced with the task of sending your assistants out to locate and procure presents for your family, friends, and staff.  Does Anthropologie have a gift guide for you!  So sit back, relax, and rest assured that if you follow this gift guide you will surely confound every loved one on your list.

For your 7-year-old grand-niece:

The Legacy Shoulder Bag, $408

She can put her My Little Ponies in there or whatever.  And when she destroys it with crayons and boogers or whatever children destroy things with (breastmilk?) her mother will force her to keep it and then when she is a young adult she will realize how well-made an accessory it was and she’ll feel very guilty for getting all those boogers on it and she’ll come visit you more often.  Win-win.

For your gardener:

Quilted Patchwork Robe, $148

You’re fairly sure this item is unisex, and anyway, you think Javier is from Europe where gender rules are a little more fluid, so this is probably perfect.  And who doesn’t love a footloose and fancy-free piece of investment intimate wear?  No one doesn’t love that.  Javier will be so pleased.

For your brother-in-law:

Laguiole Turqoise Knife Set, $1,200

Harold is always bragging that he’s 1/32 Seminole so he will surely love these steak knives with semi-precious turquoise handles.  And your sister Enid will be wracked with jealousy.  They made their beds and they can lie in them!  They wanted to be artists and live in bohemian obscurity, and that’s just fine.  You will help Harold and Enid understand that if only they had made different life choices they could also afford to spend $1,200 on frivolous kitchen accessories.

For your mailman:

Leather Armadillo Carafe, $158

Everyone knows that all humans decant their wine, and what could be more appropriate for a public servant than this whimsical armadillo carafe?  You’re fairly sure your mailman is drunk most days that he delivers the mail, otherwise why would he crunch up all the letters so severely, unless he has some sort of personal problem with you?  Show him you are observant with this alcohol-related accessory.  He will be the belle of every dinner party!

For your personal assistant:

Filoplume Cardigan, $348

Stacy is there by your side from dawn until dusk and she deserves to be acknowledged as the not-incompetent and thoroughly acceptable employee that she is.  She will absolutely adore this cardigan and every time she wears it the message will be loud and clear: “I take risks and I’m not afraid to follow my dreams!  Sometimes I dress in a manner that is mildly inappropriate and my employer has taken notice!”  This cardigan will allow her wild streak to show, but will keep her breasts under wraps, for goodness sake.  And the feathers seem to be very “in” these days, so that’s another plus!