Stone Cold Sober Movie Review: Battleship
I love that Rihanna is on the poster for this movie, she’s seriously on screen for like fourteen seconds. Also I think this poster is in Portuguese? So that’s fun!
There are a lot of things going on in the world this week. Nora Ephron, writer of You’ve Got Mail (aka the greatest movie of all time) passed away yesterday. The Supreme Court voted to uphold the health care law. There is much to say about both of these things, neither of which I am particularly qualified to write about. One thing that I am qualified to write about, however, is the movie Battleship. Because I saw it. In the theater. A few weeks ago. This blog is nothing if not topical and relevant!
Battleship is a movie inspired by a board game that little boys used to like to play. Do they still? I don’t know. As I recall, there was a commercial for Battleship from my childhood that involved two little boys calling out coordinates amid bombs detonating and canons firing. And it was all dark and burny-looking. It was not marketed towards me, but I liked the game nonetheless. That, unfortunately, was not enough to make me want to see the movie based on the board game for children. But I went because my friend K wanted to go and that was that. She was curious about whether Rihanna was a good actress. She is not. And the movie was a bit manipulative. And I kept waiting for someone to say “you sunk my battleship” which they did almost say once, I think it was “they’re not gonna sink MY battleship” or something along those lines. But those were the bad things. The good things outweighed the bad things, you guys! I’m not even joking about this. I LOVED Battleship.
First of all, Tim Riggins (Taylor Kitsch) is the star. The star! That means he’s in almost every scene. And Tim Riggins is a special kind of movie star. Not only is he extremely attractive. Extremely. (Hahahahaha a moment for “Cosmo girl eye candy” hahahaha I love/hate being a woman sometimes.) He is also SO CHARMING. That’s a rare combination. So you get to look at his face for two hours and he also says funny, charming stuff the whole time. Where do I sign up? And for other Friday Night Lights fans out there, LANDRY CLARKE (Jesse Plemons) IS ALSO IN THIS MOVIE! He’s basically playing Landry Clarke again, i.e. pimply, sarcastic sidekick. And I love it. And the blond vampire from True Blood is in it, though his chin is sort of oddly distracting, and when you look at him standing next to Tim Riggins it’s not even fair to the blond vampire, that’s how pretty Tim Riggins is.
Also Liam Neeson is in this. Haha, what? I know, he’s great. And the plot is actually pretty riveting! And there’s this legless guy who straight up CANNOT act, but I guess there aren’t that many legless actors working nowadays? In the movies? Or maybe there are lots of legless actors in Hollywood being like “UGH THAT PART SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINE” to whom I would respond: yes, it should have been yours. Because the legless guy in Battleship was so bad at acting. And also there are these old veterans. Super old, like they were in Korea or WWII or something equally ridiculous, and they come in at a pivotal moment and help fight the aliens (ugh when I type it out like that it looks very ridiculous and stupid but I maintain that I enjoyed myself throughout and you can’t convince me otherwise) and it was very moving! Emotionally! When the old dudes start stepping out one by one from like different weird crannies in the battleship (it also makes you be like “where were those guys, have they all been hiding in cabinets on the battleship this whole time?”) like they’re going to stand with the young people and help them fight the aliens (haha ugh) I was choking back tears. My friend was like “oh my god are you crying?” and I was like “NO.” but I was a little bit. They were so old! Old people make me very happy/sad.
ANYWAYYY I really liked Battleship, who cares. I also saw Prometheus and it was kind of bad, so whatever. I enjoyed Battleship way more. I also saw Drive last year and I thought it was idiotic and I hated it, so there’s that. I read books. I wrote a play about existentialism. Shut up.