Drunk Movie Review: Thor
by emily
Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. This movie stinks!
It’s so weird that a movie called Thor would stink, but I assure you, it does. We watched this last night because Captain America was so good and The Avengers has Thor in it and we were confused! We thought it would also be good but it was not! Billy liked parts of it, stuff with the CGI or whatever, rainbow bridges, stuff moving around in a weird way, weather, that kind of thing. Idris Elba was in it, which gave the movie points, but not enough points! Let’s make a pros and cons list, shall we?
Pros:
1. Chris Hemsworth has a very cool voice and pretty blue eyes with thick eyelashes and thusly I enjoy to look at and listen to his face.
2. Idris Elba is there sometimes.
3. That girl who was the teenager in 40 Year Old Virgin is there for like four seconds.
Cons:
1. Natalie Portman. Why? I did not in any way buy their romantic relationship and also I just felt like she was going to make me listen to The Shins and tell me it would change my life. Why is it that any time she is trying to act like a normal person she annoys me? She was great in Black Swan. Let’s just have her play crazed obsessives forever, okay? And not to be lady-hating, I’m sure she’s a nice person, but the script does nothing for her. She’s under-developed and the romance was very tacked-on. Also, can I just? She plays a SCIENTIST who falls in love with a MYTHICAL FIGURE FROM ANOTHER REALM. Okay.
2. Idris Elba is on screen for like five seconds, which is not enough time.
3. As I mentioned, the girl from 40 Year Old Virgin was on screen for like four seconds, again, what’s the point, even?
4. Every battle scene went like this: fight a guy, fight a guy, fight a guy, FIGHT A BOSS. Takes a little longer to kill the boss. It’s structured exactly like a video game. Which sort of makes sense as I guess their target audience was teenage boys who have no other frame of reference for story structure than video games. But for me, wasn’t buying it. When it gets predictable like that, and the action accelerates so quickly, right at the beginning, there are no stakes anymore. When I know it’ll just take a little longer to fight the boss and also that it’s like five minutes into the movie, Thor isn’t going to die, so it knocks the air right out of the narrative and the whole thing deflates.
In conclusion, even after a number of glasses of white wine, this movie is garbage.
But! Ice giants were cool! Loki was an interesting character too! There were things that were okay?
Also – “I like this drink, bring me another” *SMASH*. That was fun.
I guess I also didn’t super love it?
“Another! Smash!” = best thing ever.
Booooo your face, Emily!
You liked Battleship! There isn’t even a sweet hammer in Battleship.
Or Anthony Hopkins delivering exactly as much exposition as was necessary to move the plot forward and then falling asleep for the rest of the movie. Narrative economy! Battleship didn’t have that.
Totally disagree! Okay, Natalie Portman was annoying, but Chris Helmsworth is hilarious. And the girl from 40 Year Old Virgin needed to be there because Natalie Portman is so annoying they had to balance her out with awesome.
Agree with you on this. I liked that it was so weird and stagey and small-stakes.
Emily, you have never been more wrong about anything. You may never be this wrong again. Let us pray that is the case.
Pros:
Hammers
Sweet muscles
Loki
Ice Giants
Compelling family drama
Cons:
DID YOU NOT JUST READ THE PROS?!