Imagined Conversations Between My Dog And Inanimate Objects

by emily

Daisy: We’re walking we’re walking we’re walking something smells like the anus of a dog, let’s stop.  WHOA WHAT WAS THAT?!

A Metal Chair: It was just me, a metal chair.

Daisy: HOW DARE YOU?  AFTER ALL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH?

A Metal Chair: I’m sorry, you’re right.  That was insensitive of me.  We have been through a lot, you and I.

Daisy: Yes, there was that time that you made a metallic noise against the ground and scared me.

A Metal Chair: I remember that time.  I’m sorry about that.

Daisy: It’s too late for apologies.

A Metal Chair: But we’ve had some good times, too.  Remember that time when you walked near me and I was silent?

Daisy: Yes.  That was a very special time.

A Metal Chair: Please, Daisy.  Let’s give us one more go.  It won’t be easy, but maybe we can make it work.

(A Metal Chair makes a small noise.)

Daisy: DON’T TOUCH ME.

…

Daisy: Riding in the car riding in the car, we’re safe in here riding in the car WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

The Car Door: I’ve opened.  You may now exit the vehicle.

Daisy: You’ve betrayed me.

The Car Door: No, this is just kind of what I do.  I open and close.  It’s not personal.

Daisy: How dare you?  I trusted you.

The Car Door: Listen, this really isn’t about me.

Daisy: I just thought that you, of all people, would understand.

The Car Door: I don’t know what would make you think that.

Daisy: You were my protector.  And now.  I can hear construction noises.  I’m not going anywhere.

The Car Door: Dude, I don’t care what you do.

…

Daisy: Snore snore snore snore snore snore snore.

Tennis Ball: Play with me?

Daisy: What?  Who?

Tennis Ball: Some dogs go nuts for me.  I’m considered very appealing.

Daisy: I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.

Tennis Ball: Play with me.  Put me in your mouth.

Daisy: That’s really inappropriate.

Tennis Ball: You–no!  God, Jesus, I didn’t mean it like that.

Daisy: Look, I’ve had a big day, I really need some rest, if you don’t mind.

Tennis Ball: I meant put me in your mouth and take me to a person and then you play with me.  I go far away and then you pick me up and take me to a person and then I go far away again.  I bounce!  You should see me bounce, you’ll go nuts, trust me.

Daisy: I think there’s something really interesting about how much you need to be liked by me.  What sort of a void do you think I’d be filling for you?

Tennis Ball: You’re one to talk.

Daisy: Now notice that you’re turning the conversation around to me.  This isn’t about me.  This is about your obsessive need to be put into mouths.  I would venture it springs from your low self-esteem.

Tennis Ball:  Oh forget it.

(Tennis Ball rolls away.)

Daisy: Snore snore snore snore snore snore snore.