Three Very Important Things I Have To Tell You
1.) I have this raincoat that my mom bought me in 2006 for my semester abroad in Ireland. It’s very utilitarian and it’s served me well through the years, but not in the attractiveness department. When I wear it I look like a character in a cinema verite English movie, maybe starring Toni Collette at her least attractive, trudging through the drizzle wearing a hood. But the jacket has spoiled me, it’s so much better than looking cute and carrying a horrible, soaking wet umbrella all day. And where do you put the damn thing when you’re on the train?! Trains need umbrella holders. But anyway, yes, my raincoat makes me look as frumpy as the frumpiest of English women, but I don’t care. One drawback to the raincoat is that once you’re inside it DOES NOT BREATHE. And you feel like a pile of zucchini in an aluminum foil pouch on a grill, just steaming away. Like a bunch of goddamned broccoli florets. It’s a nightmare. Which is all to say, I am sick of rainy days. Enough already. I want to wear a nice trench and leave my head uncovered for once in my life!
2.) I will be dressing up thrice this Halloween season. I really like Halloween and the past few have been altogether disappointing. But this year I am making up for it! So I have three separate Halloween costumes. The first is for a party the Saturday before Halloween, at which I will be a leopard, meaning I will wear all my leopard-print clothing items (top, shoes, jacket) and some ears and face paint. The second is for a theatre fundraiser party at which I will be a vampire librarian, meaning I will don my sluttiest office attire, glasses, fishnets, and vampire teeth. And finally, on Halloween proper I will wear these witchy shoes I have that Billy hates, with a black dress and an orange scarf, because I have to teach/tutor and babysit that day and I can’t slut it up too much. And then we are going to watch a “spooky” (i.e. not actually scary but maybe they use a smoke machine at some point) movie and give candy out to trick or treaters. Halloween is going to be the best this year!
3.) Speaking of Halloween, I have been googling some curious things lately. Is there a way that somebody could see a record of my recent google searches? Because if so, what they would find is the following: dog jeans, dog jeans large. Daisy is not that large an animal but the dog jeans market is heavily skewed towards small dogs. Size-ist bastards. I wanted to find her some jeans because we were going to dress Billy up as Daisy and dress Daisy up as Billy, but alas, that plan fell through, due to the dearth of large-sized dog jeans. So last night after a glass of wine I bought her a flapper dress on the internet.