Emily Kaye Lazzaro

This is a portion of a monologue that I really like that was going to be the opening moment in a new play I’m writing, but I’m cutting it because it’s not right, but I really think it’s funny and I like it so I’m posting it here, because what are blogs for if not this?

Without further ado…

TIGER: This is a story of a circus.  Obviously.  It’s called The Circus.  Really good beginning to a story, I know.  My people are great storytellers.  We have a rich oral tradition.  Anyway.  Once upon a time…

Haha.  That would have been a terrible way to start this play!

In other news, Priscilla Dreams the Answer closed on Saturday night, which was also my birthday.  It was very bitter-sweet.  I loved being a part of the production, I think Fresh Ink Theatre Company is really awesome, and I’m thrilled to be acting again.  And I’ll miss doing this play.  It was incredibly fun.  But the baby Jesus doesn’t close a door without opening a window.  Or something.  I’m going to be acting again in January, is what I’m saying.  In the Boston One-Minute Play Festival, for which I have also written two plays.  Theatre theatre theatre.  It’s funny, sometimes if you quit your day job to follow your dreams, you occasionally get to actually follow them.  Sometimes things work out!  Hooray!

And finally, yesterday I ran in a 5K in Harvard Square with lots of friends and family and it was super fun!  Even though it was insanely freezing cold out.  It was in the twenties.  Regardless of the weather, I did a personal best and finished the 5K in 31:08, doing a 10:02 mile.  Last 5K was a 10:24 mile, so that’s a pretty decent improvement!  I was proud.  And cold.  Very, very cold.  Here are some pictures!

MEIN BRUDDER!

Santa!!!

His belt buckle was a little ostentatious, though, honestly.

In conclusion, races are really fun!  Let’s all do another one!  Maybe when it warms up a little bit!

So you’re an old lady who has a lot of money and interesting taste!  Congratulations!  I’m sure you’re not drowning in student loan debt and that must be a very comfortable way to live.  But now it’s the holiday season and you are faced with the task of sending your assistants out to locate and procure presents for your family, friends, and staff.  Does Anthropologie have a gift guide for you!  So sit back, relax, and rest assured that if you follow this gift guide you will surely confound every loved one on your list.

For your 7-year-old grand-niece:

The Legacy Shoulder Bag, $408

She can put her My Little Ponies in there or whatever.  And when she destroys it with crayons and boogers or whatever children destroy things with (breastmilk?) her mother will force her to keep it and then when she is a young adult she will realize how well-made an accessory it was and she’ll feel very guilty for getting all those boogers on it and she’ll come visit you more often.  Win-win.

For your gardener:

Quilted Patchwork Robe, $148

You’re fairly sure this item is unisex, and anyway, you think Javier is from Europe where gender rules are a little more fluid, so this is probably perfect.  And who doesn’t love a footloose and fancy-free piece of investment intimate wear?  No one doesn’t love that.  Javier will be so pleased.

For your brother-in-law:

Laguiole Turqoise Knife Set, $1,200

Harold is always bragging that he’s 1/32 Seminole so he will surely love these steak knives with semi-precious turquoise handles.  And your sister Enid will be wracked with jealousy.  They made their beds and they can lie in them!  They wanted to be artists and live in bohemian obscurity, and that’s just fine.  You will help Harold and Enid understand that if only they had made different life choices they could also afford to spend $1,200 on frivolous kitchen accessories.

For your mailman:

Leather Armadillo Carafe, $158

Everyone knows that all humans decant their wine, and what could be more appropriate for a public servant than this whimsical armadillo carafe?  You’re fairly sure your mailman is drunk most days that he delivers the mail, otherwise why would he crunch up all the letters so severely, unless he has some sort of personal problem with you?  Show him you are observant with this alcohol-related accessory.  He will be the belle of every dinner party!

For your personal assistant:

Filoplume Cardigan, $348

Stacy is there by your side from dawn until dusk and she deserves to be acknowledged as the not-incompetent and thoroughly acceptable employee that she is.  She will absolutely adore this cardigan and every time she wears it the message will be loud and clear: “I take risks and I’m not afraid to follow my dreams!  Sometimes I dress in a manner that is mildly inappropriate and my employer has taken notice!”  This cardigan will allow her wild streak to show, but will keep her breasts under wraps, for goodness sake.  And the feathers seem to be very “in” these days, so that’s another plus!

Hey guys, so this play I’m acting in opens tonight.  Fun!  Not scary at all!  JK, it’s totally scary.  But please come see it, it’s funny and stuff.  Here’s something I wrote about it for the Fresh Ink Theatre Company blog.  It’s pretty dark!

Okay, I’m going to curl up into the fetal position and worry myself into a nap in preparation for the performance tonight.  Always the consummate professional, that’s me!  Here’s a link for ticket info.

Do you notice that lots of people take pictures of their Christmas trees and post those pictures on Facebook or their blogs or whatever?  I’m not making any sort of comment on it, just saying, it’s kind of a weird thing that people do.

Anyway, since this is a thing people do now, without further ado, here’s a picture of my Christmas tree:

You know, it’s a Christmas tree.  No biggie.  Notice that instead of a star or an angel at the top we have our Gender-Neutral Snow Person, lovingly hand-crafted out of an empty toilet paper roll and some cotton balls by my friend Mary.  (Hi Mary!)

We usually get a scrawny little Charlie Brown tree but this year I guess Billy decided we’ve thoroughly grown up and we deserve a tree through which you can’t see the trunk twisted like it had scoliosis as a kid.  I not-so-secretly love Christmas and all things Christmas-related and dream of one day decorating every room in my house in a different Christmas theme (one room would be Santa’s workshop, another room would be the Room of Cookies, another room would be the lair of the evil Snow Princess, another room would be the Sparkle Room, etc) so if Billy gives me any sort of Christmas-related concession I’m not ever going to say “no, Billy, I think we should save $5 on a tree and get one that is less awesome.”  That is something you would never hear me say.  So, I’m pretty psyched about the tree this year.

The reason I like Christmas has very little to do with presents.  Now a list, in no particular order, of all the things about Christmas that make me love it.

1. Mulled beverages
2. Sending sausage and cheese gift baskets to our grandparents and having them be shockingly appreciative.  It’s just cheeses and sausages!
3. Pie
4. The smells – cloves, oranges, pine
5. Seeing my friends from high school.  Last year I drove through a blizzard from Boston to southern Connecticut the day after Christmas to drink PBR in Katie’s parents’ guest house and we all got horribly snowed-in and had to sleep over.  We all slept on the floor in one room and fell asleep watching Twilight.  I have the best high school friends.
6. Watching movies with and giving presents to my family members
7. Traditional Christmas Eve tacos
8. The music, mostly the creepy songs like Carol of the Bells and O Come O Come Emmanuel
9. Also the cheesy songs like All I Want for Christmas is You
10. My mom in her jammies on Christmas morning

That was a really fun list to make!  What are your guys’ favorite things about this time of year?  I’m sorry I was so Christian-centric in compiling this list.  Tell me your fun Hanukkah traditions!  And other stuff.  Winter solstice?  Diwali?  I think Diwali already passed…  Or like non-denominational stuff, too.  Festivus?!?!

Two things:

1. Check this out!

2. Add this to the list of cures for the grumps: Christmas Pandora station.  Trust me.

This morning I was feeling kind of down for no reason at all, so I went to the gym and then I decided to TAKE ACTION against my case of the grumps.  So I went to Shaw’s and got a few ingredients I needed to perfect my fruit tart.  I’ve decided one of my Things will be that I make amazing fruit tarts and people the world over will know me as That Charming Girl Who Works In The Theatre And Makes Fabulous Fruit Tarts And Brings Them To All The Fancy Parties.  It’s kind of a long title, so I’d generally be known as That Charming Girl…, which is fine.  Anyway, in order to start myself on the path to becoming TCGWWITTAMFFTABTTATFP I will be working on my fruit tart skills today.  I made a fruit tart for Thanksgiving and brought it to Billy’s family’s house and it looked pretty before we cut into it but then when we cut into it I had to leave the room because it had taken so much time to make and it was SO SOUPY.  It was like eating a cookie covered in a creamy soup and some pieces of fruit on top.  Not ideal.  And Billy’s family is really nice but they were generally over-compensating, I think.  They were like “THIS TASTES AMAZING AND THE SOUPY-NESS DOESN’T BOTHER US AT ALL!”  Which is fine.  Better than being like “this tart is BULLSHIT” and then flipping over the table.  Or maybe that would have been better?  Honesty is the best policy, that is true.  Anyway.  I’ll be sure to keep you updated on my tart skillz and the improvements thereof.

Other things I did to pull myself out of my funk by my bootstraps was to buy a bunch of unnecessary items at the grocery store whilst buying tart supplies.  Such as Christmas-themed tea, a jar of Giardiniera (to add a kick to One Lunch Forever), a large bottle of Snapple Diet Peach Iced Tea (my favorite uncarbonated, non-wine beverage), and a candle that is some kind of Yankee Candle knock-off.

Village Candle.  Sure.  It smells so seasonal, though!  I love it.

Other cheerful things are these flowers Billy brought home yesterday!I did not expect to see a peony this time of year but I am NOT COMPLAINING.  Also, this flower shop he’s been going to is phenomenal.  The flower guy always puts one beautiful, big rose in the arrangement, and this bouquet has peppers in it!  What?  I don’t know.  Peppers.  It’s great!

In conclusion, sometimes a good way to pull yourself out of a nonsense bad mood is to walk around your apartment and/or the grocery store and just cheer your damn self up and get over it.  #goodadviceyou’rewelcome

Guys, we made up a fun new game.  Here it is.  Are you ready?  It’s so fun you might die so I recommend you call all your loved ones real quick before you die of all the fun you’re going to have and tell them you love them.  Did you call them?  Let’s wait until you call your loved ones.

Okay.

Here’s how you play.

Take a saying.  Like.  I don’t know.  ”If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.”  And then make that saying much longer and more boring and confusing.  Then credit the fake saying.  This is hard to explain.  Um.  Okay, let me just give you an example.

“If you want something done in a way you like, you better do it the way you like it to get done.” –Abraham Lincoln

A fun way to play this game is to say the made-up fake sayings in conversation and then make the other person guess what the original saying was before you messed it all up.

(I’m finding the more I explain this fun new game the less fun it seems…)

“There’s no location like the house you used to live in for the November/December holiday season.” –George Washington

“If you keep one penny in your pocket that’s the same as if you work to earn that one penny in payment for services rendered.” –Alexander Hamilton

“A photograph or visual representation of something can sometimes be valued the same as a really high number of words used to describe the same original thing.” –Thomas Jefferson

Hahahahaha.  This game is hilarious.  I am hilarious!  We are all hilarious!  Please play this game with me in the comments because it just tickles me so.

On Saturday night Billy and I watched The Trip.  It’s this movie that is supposed to be a “mockumentary” but it’s neither documentary-like nor hilarious enough to be a mockumentary so that is for sure a misnomer.  It’s no Guffman, is what I’m saying.  I can see why the marketing people had a hard time with this movie, though.  It’s about two actors who travel across Northern England for a week on sort of a gastronomic tour.  They eat fancy food and look at pretty hills.  And the two actors have the names of the real actors playing them but I guess they’re not really exactly themselves?  It’s hard to categorize, is what I’m saying.  So if “mockumentary” works for you then so be it.  Here’s the thing about this movie: it was really great!  It’s about the definition of success and family and happiness, kind of.  There are moments of real pain and moments of pure joy (When they sing in the car?!  Amazorable.  That’s amazing + adorable.)  And it’s very beautiful with all the hills and stuff.  And it also is really funny sometimes!  But not all the time.  If you want to be laughing straight through, this is not the movie for that.  It’s touching and also funny but the funny parts are sort of tempered with an existential what’s-the-point-of-it-all quality.  So, what I’m saying is you should go ahead and watch this movie because it’s great.  And it’s streaming on Netflix.  Yay!

Ghost

I tried to make a reference to the evil demon shadows that take bad guys to hell in Ghost and discovered that Billy had never seen it!  Come on!  Ghost is a classic.  That scene with the clay?!  Whoopi?!  Come on.

Billy: Oh my God, he’s the ghost?!
Me: I KNOW!

___________

Billy: Whoopi Goldberg is so funny and cute!
Me: I KNOW!

___________

Me: I do wish Demi would wear a bra.
Billy: I do not wish that.

___________

In conclusion, the ending was a little more heavy-handed than I remembered, but A+ nonetheless.

Beaches

One recent night Billy and I had about four separate social engagements, all of which we wanted to attend, but it just wasn’t possible.  Instead of choosing one or two things to do we panicked and did nothing.  And by “nothing” of course I mean we drank a bottle of champagne and watched Beaches.

Reasons you should watch Beaches:

1. Bette Midler
2. It’s almost a musical!
3. You’ll have a nice, cleansing cry
4. It’s an inspirational tale of a struggling actress/singer who makes it big
5. Your husband might say this to you (this is a direct quote and I don’t think he was completely joking): “I’ll be your best girlfriend when we’re old.”

In conclusion, A+, obviously.

I’ve read somewhere (or something – who knows how we know things, sometimes we just know things) that a good way to stay in control of your weight/health is to eat similar foods every day.  I’m not particularly “trying” to “lose weight” so much as I occasionally hate myself/my body and I try to avoid having those feelings, which generally results in me keeping fairly on top of exercise and healthy eating.  Just trying to keep the goblins at bay here.  (The goblins also make me adjust the couch cushions hourly and straighten the basket that holds the napkins on the kitchen table so that it is at a 90 degree angle from the candle sticks.  I think I’ve mentioned the goblins here before, too lazy to link to it, DEAL.)  So anyway, I decided that a good thing to do would be for me to create my ideal lunch and then just have it every day that I’m home at lunch time, which is most days.  I already have One Breakfast Forever.  It’s been working out great!  Here’s my One Breakfast Forever: old fashioned oatmeal with some raw almonds and some chopped up fruit (usually banana), all in a pile in a bowl, black coffee, Emergen-C, and a One-A-Day Women’s vitamin.  Ugh, listing it all out like that makes me look like a crazy person.  But here’s the thing – it keeps me full until lunchtime, without fail.  And it makes me feel healthy and I love feeling healthy!  It feels great!  I’m thinking about switching up from oatmeal to Wallaby non-fat plain yogurt when I run out of this giant thing of oatmeal I have, but who knows.  A nice bowl of warm oatmeal is nice in the winter.  Maybe after winter I’ll switch to the yogurt for awhile.  RIVETING STUFF.

What will she decide?????????

Anyway.  One Breakfast Forever inspired me.  And for awhile I was trying to sort of fake my way on a half-assed Paleo diet, which really just resulted in me eating a lot of scrambled eggs and organic free-range meat products, which, it turns out, if you don’t do the diet right, just results in making you feel gross and fat.  I also decided I wanted not to fart so much all the time.  So the dilemma I faced was how to eat a lunch that makes me feel healthy, fills me up until dinner, and doesn’t make me fart all my friends away.  Here’s what I settled on!

One Lunch Forever: proteiny salad!  Here’s what it consists of: some kind of a lettuce (baby spinach, baby arugula, and romaine are my favorites), little tomatoes, a carrot, cucumber or pickles (these are optional and depend on what’s in my fridge at the moment, and if you have the husband I have it’s hard to keep pickles around for long), a handful of some frozen veggies (right now I have corn and peas, but edamame works well, too), feta cheese, and a can of tuna mixed with a little mayo and some dijon mustard.  I put all that crap in a bowl and pour some salt and pepper and oil and vinegar on top.  BAM.  One Lunch Forever.  I used to put chick peas on my salads because they are tasty and filling but they make me wicked gassy so I 86ed ‘em (that’s restaurant terminology for “no longer available”).  The tuna keeps me full, the feta keeps things interesting, and the veggies make me feel good in my insides.  Guys, it’s kind of the best.

I know I’m lucky that I can spent 10-15 minutes every day in my kitchen, making a salad, then eating it in front of my computer while I watch TV shows on Hulu, but I think this is doable for people who work in offices, too.  You just have to do it ahead of time.  DOESN’T EVERYBODY WANT TO HAVE ONE LUNCH FOREVER NOW!?  I know.  What would yours be?  Peanut butter and jelly?  Cheese and crackers?  Tomato soup and grilled cheese?  Oh man, I love tomato soup and grilled cheese!  Let’s get together sometime and trade One Lunch Forevers.